This woman is growing weary
Of having to be so strong
Of having to pretend I’m made of stone
So I won’t end up with no broken bones
I can’t fight every battle alone

I want someone to lift me
Heal my wounds and give me kisses on my head
Say words that should be said
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And lay down my guard

If I could trust someone
To have my back and never do me wrong
Then I would give my love up
Just like that stop singing this soldier song 

Whomever said love was overrated
must not be getting’ none
my independent days have had their fun
but when the parties over
and the workin’ day is done
I just want to come home to someone

I want a love to take me
As I am not make me compromise myself
Or be like no one else
Fear is not the matter
I would so much rather open up my heart
And just lay down my guard

it was such a beautiful day today. the first in a long time. i've been wanting to walk around, familiarize myself with my new surroundings (amazing how different moving just 6 blocks away is)... do a lil getting lost and exploring, but the weathers been so UGGGGHH or i been too busy... until today. as i was walking home from spending multiple hours at the salon, i wished i could stay out... but i am crazy hungover. HAHA. doesn't that suck... i could hardly get out of bed. i even threw up while i was getting my hair done. well, not WHILE, but when i was under the dryer i had to get up and go earl in the bathroom. that sucked lol. i woke up drunk. felt like death. lol. very tempted to cancel the appt. acted a fool tryna get ready. productivity and drunkeness only work sometimes. eventually came home. decided not to get sicker, so i missed out on explorin, spent most of the day in bed or watchin tv, so i could go out tonight. plus, my hair's all sauced, it only makes sense, right... WRONG. cuz now i don't like my options for goin out... so i'm at home. with sauced hair, finally gettn over feeln like sh*t. i hate bein home on a saturday night. GRR. well, i have plans for later later, but still, i should be out now. boo.

also... i never noticed how inconveniencing weather can be. that sh*t affects your mood, your plans, everything.... its quite handicapping, especially when i walk most places or my rides from outside the city don't wanna f*ck with the rain, snow, and traffic in the city. dammit, i miss california. or at least NOT winter time. lol.

such a different experience than last fall. in so many ways. job, friends, dudes, money, vibe, activities, location, and now weather. f*ck da booooshit. i need to stay cool so i don't lose hair. haha. if you smile you actually feel happier, did you know that? so i'm smiling now. and it works. now i'm laughing at myself. hahahahahaha. wow is this a result of boredom, loneliness, or still having too much alcohol in my system? and now my low-batteried laptop is threatening to turn off. if i was more coherent i might get up and plug it in. but no, i'll listen to it. bye.

east coast in winter sucks.

after seeing the snow fall, im over the excitment. lol. sunshine, please. never really realized just how much weather ties into mood. *sigh.

used to love it out here-- but how can i enjoy life if im too cold, too cranky, and too cabin fevered to live it?

i know... when its cold outside, you need someone. hahaha. not quite ready for a relationship, but a winter boo might be nice. hahaha.

Incredibly new Valentine’s Day experience…. I’m physically alone, 3,000 miles away from home.  No family, no friends, no man to keep me company today. BOO. Hahaha. Jk. No, really, I’m not complaining.

This is my first single Valentine’s Day in a reeeeaaaally long time. By that, I don’t necessarily mean that I’ll be spending it alone.  In fact, I’ll likely be having dinner or drinks with another player in the “get to know each other” game.  But, by single, and “alone,” I simply mean that this year, there is no room for potential disappointment.  I came upon this day knowing that whatever happened will happen, whether I spend it with someone or not; there were no preparations or expectations to be spoiled, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not one to hold expectations for today at all.  I’m a hopeless romantic, all about celebrating love all the time—I  don’t think Valentine’s Day is the day you have to show your love, I generally have no expectations of it whatsoever, except that I get to spend it with a loved one.  I don’t consider it this the one day we are obligated to celebrate love, which is precisely why so many people hate the commercial-ness of it.  Instead, I think of it as a reminder.  True, we should always remember to show it all the other 364 days of the year, but dedicating one day to remind us to show the appreciation, just in case we get caught up, or show it further, in case you’re generally on top of it, is kinda nice.  It’s a reminder to appreciate that person who notices and validates all your efforts, from little things like the way your hair is fixed, or the message you write, to bigger things, like life-changing sacrifices, the person who knows what you mean, by the look in your eyes, without you having to say a word. Its appreciation for the person waiting up when you’re out late, who rubs your back after a long stressful day, who gives you forehead kisses before they leave, who brings you soup when you’re under the weather, who wakes you up in the morning (whether you actually need it or they just wanna be the first thing on your mind, just as you are on theirs),  the person you can cuddle with at night when you need that warmth, the person who, when everyone wants to stay in, will be there with you, the person who is the reason you never feel alone, but understands if you need to be.  As with many milestones, holidays, breaks in the routine, Valentine’s day helps you stop, take a second, look at the world around you and (re)evaluate.  It’s a little “life post-it” that says by having “something,” that someone who keeps your heart happy, makes the little things count, makes your day at least a little bit brighter, makes you smile a little bigger and longer, you are truly lucky.  Sadly, though I’m eager for and sure of its inevitable repair, my hopeless romantic bubble was burst a while back; I was conditioned due to some circumstances, to have to look forward to this day—when you’re man treated you like sh*t all the time, it was nice knowing there is one day when he might find it in his heart to just suck it up and appreciate you for once. However, for those that know me and what I’ve been through in the past few years, know that disappointment and hurt have rolled in year after year. 

Today, I have no room for disappointment.  There is no one that makes me cry the other 364 days, and then still makes me cry on this one “special” day.  There is no one lying through their teeth about how much he loves me, all while lying about every other damn thing there is to lie about.  There is no one promising that “it will be special,” and then disappearing for the entire day, all to let me know by the end of the night that “something” went wrong, or promising that the “next one” will be better.  A million empty promises that it would be “made up” to me the next year have led me to build it up over time—you see why expectations grew?  There is no room for disappointment.  My preparations won’t be unappreciated, because I didn’t make any.  I didn’t put any effort into showing someone how down I am for him, how much I love, care for, and appreciate him.  I didn’t waste time on trying to make anyone feel squishy.  I don’t have to give less in order to compromise for how unimportant it is to him. I don’t have to look at what I made, bought, planned, or thought up, and sigh in frustration and heartache.  There is no room for disappointment, and for that, I am grateful that it is my first Valentine’s Day “alone”—without expectations, without disappointment. 

Don’t mean to mess up the flow of the Valentine’s Day revelation, but the first thing on my mind this morning?  There are a lot of sh*tty feelings in this world, but one relevant to today?  Telling someone you’re in love with them, and then, for whatever reason (be it your part or theirs), feeling like you shouldn’t have.  Regret’s a b*tch, especially when it involves your heart.